I was inspired to start a weekly series on being fearless in X scenario after a phone call with a friend/publicist yesterday. There’s ways you can practice being fearless in your life, like trying a new coffee shop or making business cards, but what about the situations that involve someone else?
I always say that being fearless comes down to understanding your identity. That’s a core focus for the Be Fearless Summit brand because over the years I’ve become aware of how easy it is to lose faith in your morals and values because you’re focusing on a range of other elements, like…
What does someone think about me?
Am I hot enough, smart enough, thin enough for this person to desire me?
If I do X, Y, Z this relationship or experience will work out for me…
And because of those questions running through your head, you’re more likely to lose sight of YOUR personal values. I see this a lot with dating and I’ve done it countless times. I won’t lie and say I go into every experience feeling fearless, because I don’t! I get scared, intimidated, or nervous. I have had times where I’m not as authentic because I’m focused on what someone else is thinking about me, so I’ll be less bubbly or avoid talking about myself because I’m feeling one way or the other. I tend to leave an experience or a date early on if I’m feeling like that because off the bat I don’t want to date you if I’m already uncomfortable.
I know a lot of people waste time doing things they know they do not like doing. You think it’ll get better and sometimes it does, but I have also experienced enough where I know what I want and what traits stand out to me more than others now.
During those moments I remind myself a few things:
I have absolutely nothing to hide.
You’re either going to a) like me b) hate me c) spend some time thinking about either option and if it’s b or c, I don’t care.
Why don’t I care?
Because there are SO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD! I know a lot of women go right to the guy (if we’re talking about men/women) and think he’s found someone better or doesn’t want to date if he’s not replying – which is probably true.
Girls do the same thing.
At this point in my life, I’m way more upfront. I get the games and I appreciate being left with questions, that’s hot! You don’t have to ignore someone for three days though – that’s rude. If you’re not interested, just say it. Or say you want to be friends, if you ACTUALLY want to be friends. You can easily start training yourself to be more direct and honest with every person you meet. Test this on yourself: if you meet someone you don’t like, instead of ghosting or lying and saying you’re too busy doing whatever you do: say you’d like to be friends.
The next time this happens, take out the little white lie at the beginning and go right to:
I don’t think I’m looking for anything right now but I know you’ll find someone who is able to give you what you’re looking for!
Being super honest can be uncomfortable, so you can start doing small steps that will train you to be fearless when dating.
What do you value?
If you want the games, you’re not ready for a relationship. If you’re happy to be a FWB and then find yourself with feelings, you should remove yourself from the situation or ask one simple question:
What are you looking for?
Any time I’ve ever asked a guy that upfront, even my ex-boyfriend, they were honest. I’ve waited for people to change who were honest upfront and they didn’t change.
I see these rare scenarios where people do evolve… BUT if you’re dating men in particular between 30-40 (which is usually my age range) I’ve never been lied to when I asked someone what they wanted. I’ve been dumb to stay in some relationships with people who were upfront, but you live and you learn! I look back and really respect the guys who were honest: it’s not their fault I expected them to change. They were honest!
People aren’t often out to get people, everyone just works in phases and sometimes those phases are different.
So you’ve gone on a date, or two, or maybe three! And you’ve been ghosted, or the person pulls back and you’re freaking out wondering why? There’s a few reasons. I honestly don’t ever ghost someone, even with friendships. I think it’s rude. But that’s me: I’m sensitive with interactions like that (for no good reason) but if someone wanted to reply to you, they would. I’m not talking about a few hours or a day when someone was busy working: I’m talking about the classic 5 day later text where you’ve been sitting by your phone waiting for their name to pop up only to see the text finally come…
It says so much about someone’s values and morals if they do ghost, or come in and out of your life, because guess what? They don’t know their own morals or values.
Find someone who does and in the meantime, focus on expanding your own values.